The Coolest Fake Game I’ve Ever Pretended to Watch

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Anyone who has interacted with me in the past month or so has heard me ramble for hours on end about blaseball with no clue what words I am saying to them, praying I stop to catch a breath so they can explain that they actually have a class that starts in 2 minutes and they have to go now.

I thought I might try to help my case by explaining, to anyone who cares to read, what Blaseball is and why it’s cool.

First, what the fuck is blaseball?

To put it simply, it’s fantasy baseball. Big emphasis on the fantasy part. Basically, it’s a truncated form of baseball, where games take half an hour and seasons last a week. The games happen digitally, and no one plays them- each of the “players” are basically just random number generators, with pre-assigned stats to determine how often they’ll get a hit, how often they’ll steal a base, etc.

A typical blaseball player’s stats sheet. Some of these data (pitching, baserunning, certain blood types) are known to affect gameplay, and some appear to just be for fun. Soulscream serves as a sort of Serial Number, with each player having a unique soulscream that changes every time their stats change.

The fans, aka the real life people that interact with the fictional game of blaseball, can really only interact with the game in two ways.

Monday through Saturday, the fans bet on games to rack up coins.

On Sunday, the Election happens.

Elections let players vote on new rules, new weather conditions, new stats and abilities for their favorite teams, and other new ways to fuck with the game.

At the end of season ten, the fans voted for the Black Hole. At the same time, the Baltimore Crabs won the championship and ascended into the sun, destroying it and creating Sun 2.

At a certain point you learn to just take whatever blaseball gives you.

Now, what this did is changed the weather for the games. Every game has a weather status that changes how its played. Feedback weather can cause players to switch teams in the middle of a game, birds weather favors teams with an affinity for crows and gives them an edge up in the game, peanut weather does things that would probably need its own article to explain.

In Season 11, there were only two possible weather conditions, Black Hole and Sun 2, so one of these was randomly assigned to every game in the series.

The two possible weather conditions during season 11

They both generally function the same way: If 10 runs are scored by a single team during a game, then those ten points are subtracted from the scoreboard of that team. However, if Sun 2 is active, then the team gets a win added to their record. If Black Hole is active, then the team gets a win subtracted from their record.

If none of that made sense, hopefully this will make it make sense. source: an anonymous fan of the Yellowstone Magic

By design, every team plays the same amount of games during a season of blaseball. There are 20 teams, so there are 10 games per in-universe day (a real-life hour). Now that the Sun2 and Black Hole have happened, however, that’s not how it looks.

Standings at the end of the season. Despite 99 games played, teams are marked as having played as many as 117 and as few as 89.

Win-Loss ratios now mean jack shit about the quality of a team.

Betting odds are almost meaningless.

Any metric you could use to predict the winner of a game is absolutely useless.

Blaseball, as we know it, has gone out the window.

Time to talk about Day 9.

The Unlimited Tacos and the Boston Flowers are in the last game of a 3 game series. They’re pretty evenly matched (Tacos are 5–3 and Flowers are 2–2 so far this season) and the game’s going into overtime. They’re tied at 9 points each. In overtime, the next inning to end with a team in the lead ends the game. Any normal circumstances, this is a tense but pretty standard game. Any normal circumstances, whoever scores next wins.

However, the Second Sun is out this morning.

The next team to score a point will wrap around to zero and lose the game.

It’s impossible to know what the players are thinking, considering they aren’t thinking anything, but it’s hard not to try and get into their heads.

In the bottom of the 10th, the Tacos’ pitcher, Peanut Bong, keeps walking batters.

On the Flowers, Gloria Bugsnax, a three star batter, hits a ground out to Valentine Games, a one star defensive player, ending the inning.

Valentine Games, on a casual day out. source

11th inning. Vito Cravitz doesn’t swing the entire time he’s at bat. The Flowers get three outs without a single player on base, or even a single strike.

12th inning.

Tacos are at bat, and Dunn Keyes is pitching for the Flowers.

Keyes walks Valentine Games, and Rat Mason is up at bat. He’s a giant, human sized rat, with a smaller, rat-sized rat under his baseball cap giving him instructions like its fucking Ratatouille. I’m not quite sure who to credit his success to, but either way he’s pretty damn good, with 3.5 batting stars.

Rat Mason’s Tlopps card. source

Maybe there was a miscommunication between the two. Maybe Rat Mason messed up. Maybe his rat messed up.

All that I know is that with two outs and two strikes, Rat Mason hits a home run. He rounds the bases. So does Games, scoring from first.

11–9, Tacos. The Sun Smiles.


Basilio Mason (no relation) hits a ground out. There’s nothing they can do anymore.

Bottom of the 12th, the Flowers are at bat and the last thing they want to do is score another point and risk their new lead. This inning is the fastest I’ve ever seen. The players are practically tapping the ball and jogging to first. Inez Owens takes a ball and is tagged out on their way to first. Margarito Nava and Nic Winkler follow suit. The game ends.

Valentine Games and Rat Mason, funny enough, actually catch two of those game-ending outs. I can only imagine what was going through their heads at that moment. They lost the game by playing the game, and now they are forced to play through the rest of this inning knowing there’s nothing they can do to change anything. If I were them, I’d probably also be playing my damned hardest to make this game end as soon as possible.

Flowers win. Their fans get a payout, and anyone who bet on them is doing well too — Tacos were favored to win 3:2. The Tacos are interesting, though — they get a win and a loss.

Win/Loss record of the two teams before and after Game 9.

It’s almost the same as before.

The Tacos’ win rate should be about 0.55, down from 0.63, but its not — its 0.6. This game that should’ve made them switch places in the league has actually evened the two teams out.

The most interesting thing about this game is that nothing changed.

These teams played their asses off for 12 straight innings. They played the most blaseball they could for 9, and tried incredibly hard to play the least blaseball they could for 3 more, and all for nothing.

That’s blaseball, baby.

*Featured Image: homepage.

Play Blaseball here:

Read the game transcript here:


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